Going Out With a Bang

Bang!!  That would be the sound of my kidney stones breaking as they were surgically smashed.  Yes, my year is going out the same way it entered - with kidney stones!!  I ended up in the local Emergency Room Monday night.  Although I was the only person waiting, I had to wait and wait and wait.  During this time, I was entertained by four of the county's fine police officers who told stories about their recent acts of heroism.  Before I knew it, I was being admitted with blockages in both kidneys.  I had surgery Wednesday morning and was discharged on Thursday.  I have to have another surgery in about 10 days.

Les stayed home all week to help out with the girls.  He got up at 5:30 a.m. to make the girls' lunches.  I didn't have time to prepare a set of instructions.  Otherwise, he would have known that rising so early was unnecessary.  Lunches are supposed to be made in the evening, while one is simultaneously cooking dinner; supervising homework; doing laundry; sorting the day's mail; feeding pets; watering houseplants; helping select outfits for the next day; locating lost library books; answering notes from teachers; etc.  The early rising time is reserved for cleaning up all the dishes that have somehow materialized after the dinner dishes were done; feeding pets again; stuffing lunchboxes, recovered library books and notes to teachers into the backpacks; locating jackets and stray hats and mittens; etc.  I wouldn't describe myself as a control freak.  But, clearly, I've had to let a few things slide over the past week.

Seriously, though, Les has been doing a good job with the girls. They are accustomed to lunching on delicate sandwiches cut in the shapes of butterflies and tulips; strawberries dipped in chocolate; and homemade granola.  Under Les' tutelage, they consumed a pound of pastrami in just two days.  They were also taught that fried Polish sausage and hash browns really do constitute a healthy dinner!  This is particularly true for children who have consumed gooey nachos with a side of salami for an after school snack.  In a short period of time, Les has also managed to redefine "good behavior."  Such behavior is now defined as being able to sit passively in front of the TV for a 3-4  hour span without complaining.

I left the hospital with four different prescription medications.  The pharmacist kindly gave me three pages of instructions for each drug.  Interestingly, they all included "may induce drowsiness" as a side effect.  I tried to tell the doctor that I didn't need these pills.  My daily life induces drowsiness just fine.  Two of the drugs mentioned that, by the way, they might tint soft contact lenses permanently yellow.  At first, I thought that might be kind of cool.  I could dye a pair of contacts yellow and then save them for next Halloween!  After the current dose of pain medication began to wear off, I thought again and wondered if the pills could turn my contacts yellow, what on Earth were they doing to my body?   All four drugs teased that they might "induce nausea."  In response, the doc offered me a fifth pill that would counteract nausea symptoms.  When I asked what the possible side effects of this drug were, he replied that they might induce alertness!  (Okay.  That's the only part of this paragraph that I made up.  The rest is the gospel truth.)

But, with the belief that the glass is half full, here are the good things that came out of this experience: 

• As I was being wheeled around the hospital, I got to meet the guy from the "transport team."  He advised me to take advantage of this time to rest, and his advice was very sound.

•  Because it's the end of the year, our medical insurance deductibles have been met.  This wasn't the case when I had stones in January.

•  My stay in the hospital earned me a call from Jordan (aka "Carrot Top).

•  I've been catching up on my knitting, which is almost as therapeutically effective as blogging.

• The laundry and housework really didn't go anywhere.  They waited politely for my return.

• Finally, I busted the myth that all cops hang out in doughnut shops.  

So, in conclusion, the Christmas tree isn't up yet, I haven't mailed any Christmas cards, I haven't finished shopping; I haven't wrapped or mailed any gifts; I haven't done any baking; and we have barely begun decorating.  But, per God's plan, we are all happy and healthy!

Lacey just informed me that she somehow managed to "drop" her toothbrush down the bathroom drain.  I suggested this would be a good time for her to review using chopsticks. But, obviously, I have to run.