Parenting

Before Cassie was born, I read volume after volume of modern parenting books. Having been raised in a strong family, I knew that I had a fairly solid feel for what parenting involved.  But, I wanted to be as prepared as possible.  After Cassie was born, I continued to consume parenting literature.  I read about exactly what to expect developmentally and kept track of each milestone that she met in my "mother's journal."  I was prepared for each potential crisis - teething, whooping cough, ear infections, sleeping problems, colic.  I was prepared for every conceivable malady except the one that actually hit - food allergies.  That might have been the point at which I was first tempted to lose faith in all the parenting literature.  But, I read on. 

As Cassie became a toddler, I subscribed to all the best parenting periodicals.  I was going to be prepared to host the best play dates, throw the best birthday parties, and pack the best school lunches.  One evening, when Cassie was 3, we were having dinner with friends who also had a young child. Our friend remarked that if I had read the latest edition of such and such parenting magazine, I would have known that what Les had just said to Cassie was on the "Top 10 List of Things Parents Should Never Say to Children."  I don't really need to write that the evening ended abruptly.  But, that also marked the end of my romance with parenting doctrine.

I've come to realize that parenting is common sense and open mindedness.  As a parent, I've got to be willing to respond to new situations and learn from them.  For example, the other morning a pencil that someone had left in the middle of the family room floor became embedded in the bottom of my foot when I accidentally stepped on it.  I challenge you to find a parenting journal that gives an appropriate response to a situation like that!

Over the past few years, I have limited myself to reading current articles about kids and technology.  These articles tend to emphasize the negative impact of too many cell phone and tablet hours.  I've been learning that, in a family setting, technology can be leveraged for positive outcomes.  Two weeks ago, Cassie was in the all-county orchestra.  On Saturday, the students were bussed from the middle school to the rehearsal site, which was an hour's drive from here.  Five minutes after I returned from dropping off Cassie, I saw the sash from her orchestra uniform on the floor in the front hallway.  Ah, geez, it must have fallen out of her backpack in our rush to catch the 6:45 a.m. bus that didn't arrive until 7:30.  What's a mother to do?  I had visions of Cassie sobbing when she went to change for the concert and realized that a critical piece of her outfit was missing.  I scratched my head and thought about what my mother would have done, absent modern means of communication.  My Mom was such a saint that she probably would have revved up the old station wagon and intercepted the bus before it reached the school.  But, yoga class was calling.  So, I texted Cassie that I had the sash and that we would arrive well in advance of the concert in order to deliver it.  Thank goodness for cell phones.  Mine enabled me to learn that Cassie read the text immediately but waited about 4 hours to respond.

Well, Cassie's concert was stunning.  But, the celebratory dinner  that we had on the way home apparently didn't agree with Lacey.  About 12:10 a.m., my phone started chirping.  Because all my parenting books had taught me to be a light sleeper, I grabbed it before Les could regain consciousness and grumble about me texting with my sisters in the middle of the night.  It was a text from Lacey reading, "I feel like Thuing up."

I texted back, "Thank you, my Brilliant Child, for not suddenly materializing in our room in the middle of the night and scaring the crap out of us!"  Well, not really.  I thought time was of the essence so I actually responded, "Please go to the bathroom."

Was this not a brilliant use of technology on Lacey's part?  Gone are the days when the offspring urps on top of Mom and Dad in the wee hours of the night.  Take that, all you naysayers of technology.

I will confess that prior to adopting Lacey I did read extensively.  This time, I read all the books about adoption.  While much of the literature was useful, a lot of it was outright frightening.  I once again became over prepared, alert for any sign of maladjustment, PTSD, and attachment disorder.  Then, one day I realized that none of the books I've read ever told me to just sit back and enjoy my kids.  Somewhere, amidst all the cajoling and pushing, it's good to just enjoy the moments we have.

Last week, Lacey was struggling to complete spelling homework.  "What's an antonym for library?" she asked.

Before I could grumble about the idiocy of teachers requiring students to write antonyms to words that may not have antonyms, Cassie walked by.  "Apple Store," she yelled, "Apple Store is the antonym for library."

Bravo, Cassie!

After more than four years of prodding, Cassie has finally convinced Lacey to play the violin.  Their conversation went something like this.

"I want to play one that lets me sit," Lacey explained.

"Well, that's everything except the string bass," Cassie responded.

"Then, which one has the least number of strings?" Lacey asked. 

Here's one final anecdote that's sure not to be included in any adoption book.  A couple days ago the girls were chatting over dinner.

"What if I was a twin?" Lacey asked.

"Then my life would be miserable," Cassie answered.

"Well, what if you were a twin?" Lacey continued.

Cassie squinted at Lacey momentarily, trying to determine if she was serious.  "Then, you wouldn't be here!" she finally shot back.

Christmas Traditions

As Christmas approached this year, I felt a little different than in years past.  With our parents gone, my siblings and I are "the eldest generation."  I now feel pressured to ensure that family traditions are maintained.   I recalled how my Mom used to save money for months so that she could take us all to see, "The Nutcracker" each year.  Even if we had unexpected foster kids for Christmas, she would somehow come up with enough tickets for everyone.  I had a momentary vision of the girls dressed in velvet, eagerly watching dancers perform on stage.  Well, maybe next year. 

I continued struggling a bit over which traditions should be saved and which traditions we have already created.  Cassie is enormously sentimental.  Family is very important to her and she wants to make sure that Lacey understands tradition.  As Les and I were discussing plans for Christmas, Cassie interrupted and asked if we could make some new traditions this year.  I asked if she had anything specific in mind.  "Well," she hesitated, "I don't want to hurt your feelings.  But, do you think we could have something other than cod for dinner on Christmas Eve?"

Oh, the dreaded cod.  The tradition of the cod began decades ago.  After moving to Colorado, my Dad anxiously embraced the customs of his new Italian friends.  And so, we were introduced to the tradition of having cod for dinner on Christmas Eve.  The cod was purchased from "Joe's Deli."  It came dried, which was quite a novelty to us as we frequently consumed fresh fish.  My Mom tenderly basted that cod in butter and then broiled it.  During dinner, we ate without speaking because we had been taught not to criticize food.  But, we were all thinking the same thing, as we downed glass after glass of water.  I remember the four of us crammed in the back seat of the car after dinner, en route to our Christmas program at church.  That cod was just bloating in our stomachs.  I don't know when I've ever been so uncomfortable from food.  (Okay, Beth, Chuckie Cheese runs a close second!)  It turns out that dried cod is supposed to be soaked in water to remove all the wonderful salt that is used as a preservative. 

My parents continued to cook cod every Christmas Eve and it soon became a Good Friday tradition as well.  Once my siblings and I had left home, dried cod arrived in our mailboxes twice a year, lovingly wrapped in white freezer paper and labeled in my Dad's handwriting.  Over the years, I tried various ways of cooking the cod.  I even found the traditional Italian recipe that was for pasta sauce with crab and other seafood.  However, my Mom preferred her recipe.  Last Christmas, we still had a bit of cod saved in the freezer that we cooked.  But, because I will always have the memories, that's one tradition that I'm willing to change.

My parents loved Christmas.  One of my earliest memories is of a trip we made to Santa's Village in Chicago.  This was at a large department store, most likely Marshall Field's.  We all took the commuter train and my Dad was delighted to show us how he got to and from work every day.  I remember waiting in line to see Santa and being fascinated by the displays.  Of course, there was music playing and when the song, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause," came on my Dad just lit up.  He was beaming from ear to ear and kept nudging my Mom and laughing.  I must have been about six years old and I couldn't understand why my Dad was so thrilled with the idea of Santa kissing my Mother.  I don't remember much else about that day.  But, I've never forgotten how happy my Father was.  Now, if I'd started this paragraph by saying that, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," was my favorite Christmas song you would have thought I was crazy. 

I've extracted my own traditions from this memory.  Every December I take a day off and pull the girls out of school.  They get dressed up and we go to Pentagon City.  We walk around the mall and admire the beautiful decorations.  I still make them pose for a Santa photo, and I'm grateful that Cassie's willing to help make these memories for Lacey.  Then, we have lunch out and do a little shopping.  After that, we go to church and sort the toys that have been donated for the adopted families.  This has been our tradition ever since Cassie was in kindergarten and I hope it continues for many more years.

My parents also loved Christmas trees.  Every year they would try to find the tallest, but also least expensive tree in town.  You can imagine what a challenge that was.  For a number of years, J.C. Penney's had a tree lot.  I remember one year when my parents picked us all up early on the last day of school before break.  This was a double treat.  Not only were we getting out of school early; we didn't have to ride the bus.  We headed over to Penney's and got our 12-foot beauty.  Once at home, the decorating traditions began.  My Dad was the only one who could place the antiquated strings of lights.  Of course, it took hours to get all the bulbs working.  We would all sit on the floor watching for awhile and eventually get discouraged.  Then, once the lights were up, it was time for my parents to place the ancient tinsel garlands.  These were actually made from metal.  I can see my Dad on his rickety wooden ladder, carefully wrapping the tree with the faded tinsel.  Ornaments were then placed with precision - heaviest ones at the bottom; interior branches filled first so the tree looked full.  Hours later, we'd finally get to the icicles.  These were placed individually, certainly not in clumps.  Finally, my Dad's toy electric train was placed around the base of the tree.  No wonder we had to get out of school early for this ritual!

I'll admit, to my kids it must seem that our decorating process is similar.  It typically takes us a week to put up the tree.  But, that's because we are scheduling it around dozens of other activities.  We put the tree up and string lights on it one day.  The next day, we do a couple of boxes of ornaments.  We continue with a box of ornaments a day until we are finished.   This year, we carefully placed ornaments that had previously decorated my parents' trees.  There are no garlands of tinsel on our tree.  Neither are there icicles! 

Music was always a huge part of Christmas for us.  Back when I was in first grade, schools still put on Christmas shows.  My class sang, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas."  My Mom had never heard the song before and sacrificed money to go to the local piano store and buy the sheet music.  She had always wanted to play the piano, but didn't have the space or the money to get one.  Instead, somewhere along the way she had acquired a plastic, tabletop organ.  She would plug this thing in and pump out wheezy tunes.  Every time I hear, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," on the radio, I can see my Mom sitting at her organ.    

Another part of the music tradition involved all of us playing our instruments at church.  A church member, who was a band director at a local school, would gather an ensemble a couple months before Christmas and start rehearsing.  The mix of instruments was different each year and was probably pretty terrible. We practiced the same carols every year and we would perform in the narthex on Christmas Day.  For some reason, although we had been listening to the tune since we were born, not a single member of this ensemble could every play the correct rhythm for "Joy to the World."  Our director would be wildly waving his arms and articulating, "Joy TO THE WORLD," while Mary Lee and I stifled our giggles and ducked from the flying spit.

Of course, music has to be a tradition that we preserve.  This year, Lacey has joined chorus.  So, the girls were both in holiday programs at school.  They were both in the Christmas program at church too.  And, this year, Cassie played her violin in the program.  As I recorded the girls' numbers, I did wish that we had just one video of music performances from Christmases past!

One final tradition that I will share was our Christmas Eve trip to the firehouse in Louisville.  Santa would arrive on a fire truck and hand out bags filled with fruit, nuts, and ribbon candy to the waiting kids.  This was a tradition that we were eager to share with our foster brothers, Matt and Stephen.  The first year they participated, their picture with Santa was on the front page of the local paper.  Another year, when a few of us were teenagers, we opted to stay home from this event to be Santa's helpers.  We tied ourselves up with ropes and informed Matt and Stephen that Santa had tied us up so that we wouldn't grab their presents!

Above all, I believe my parents taught us the values of family and generosity.  We were always able to make space for one more person at our dinner table and my mother could always find one more gift to wrap.  Maybe these are the best traditions to preserve.

The wise men from my parent's nativity scene grace the top of Grandma Schneider's dresser.

Home Alone - the Sequel

Recently, Lacey has become more aware of current events and realized that she's not invincible.  She has expressed concern about kidnappings and has said that she doesn't want to be left home alone.   Last night we watched, "Home Alone,"  because Lacey had never seen this movie before.  Sensing that the movie was making her nervous, I suggested that we change the channel.  Lacey insisted that it wasn't bothering her.  After awhile, though, it started to bother me.  I knew that the girls would be home alone today while I was working.  This certainly wasn't the first time they'd been home alone.  But, what if something happened?  Would they know what to do?  Would they be able to defend themselves?

Midway through the day, I turned on my phone to check for any messages from the girls.    Thanks to technology, there was a video message waiting for me.  Maybe they were sending me evidence that they'd cleaned their bedrooms! 

After watching the girl's documentary, I was so glad that they were home alone because I wasn't the one cleaning up the mess!  (You might need to be on a computer to see this video . . . )

Christmas Cards

I'm working on my Christmas cards and, as usual, I'm late.  Yes, I should be working on them now instead of doing this.  But, because the cards will be late, I decided to give a preview.

Ever since Cassie was born, we've done a photo Christmas card.  We were so thrilled to have a child that we had to show her off to everyone.  For Cassie's first Christmas, I had the cards made at Walmart.  I remember arriving at the store and panicking when I realized that her feet were going to show in the photo. She didn't have any shoes!  I had to buy shoes from the baby department and then try to convince her to wear them.  The following year we had a beautiful, vintage photo done by an award-winning photographer.  The picture was gorgeous but expensive.  I ended up going back to Walmart for cheaper cards.  The next year I wised up and realized that I could snap my own photos.  As Christmas approaches each year, I've always been able to find a cute snapshot to use on a card.  The only year that I actually staged a photo was Lacey's first Christmas here.  That year, Cassie had wanted them to have matching outfits for their first year together.

This year, as Christmas-card season approached, I was a bit stressed because I couldn't find that perfect photo.  When I asked family members for help, Cassie said that matching outfits were out of the question.  But, maybe we could find similar outfits for the girls and take a photo in the backyard.  She thought it would be fun to take a picture of herself and Lacey covered in leaves.  While we were debating whether we needed to buy new outfits if they were going to be covered with leaves, Les paid to have the leaves removed from the yard. 

I went back to the cloud, looking at hundreds of photos.  I first considered this one:

Sisters!

I took this photo down the street at the reservoir.  Looking at this picture makes me so happy.  We had met Gladis, Julio and Gaby at the park and the kids were feeding the ducks. It was near the end of summer and it was one of those days when being grubby and sweaty was completely acceptable.  But, upon closer examination, I realized that the photo was a little washed out.  And, it was very similar to last year's card, which featured the girls wearing shorts with a water backdrop.   

The following photo was my next choice:

I snapped this photo when we were sight-seeing with Dave and Beth.  So, I'm not sure if it's really a great photo or if it's the memory of their visit that makes me like this picture.  Upon closer consideration, I decided that it would be a really compelling photo to have posted for Veteran's Day.  But, maybe it didn't send the right message for a Christmas card.

As I continued searching, I found this one.



Hey!  Mom finally let us get a dog!

I took this photo down the street at the park.  It makes me happy because the girls are still willing to walk to the park with me.  This photo also makes me happy because it shows what tremendous willpower I have exercised by not letting the girls have a dog.  Maybe that's not a good sentiment for a card.

I started to ask myself what message I really wanted to convey with a photo.  Well, maybe I wanted to show how gorgeous the girls are and how they're growing up.  I considered this next photo:

Hmmmm.  It was fun when I snapped it.  We were doing our back-to-school shopping.  But, what does it actually convey?  First, an observer's eyes would be drawn to the soda in Lacey's hand.  An informed observer would wonder why I let my kid drink soda when she's had to have two teeth pulled in recent history.  And, what is this, some kind of ad for Nordstrom's? 

I kept searching.  Maybe this next one would be a good choice:

When I look at this photo, I can still smell the roasting peppers and taste the green chili that they produced.  But, that is only meaningful to immediate family members.  Plus, I realized, Cassie's gorgeous locks don't show.

Moving on, I considered this one:


Greetings from Downtown Disney!

I scrutinized this photo carefully.  It just screams, "Hey.  We made it to Orlando this year!"  Maybe that's an okay message to send.  I mean, it does say that as a family we set aside time to take a vacation together.  And, the girls look pretty nice in this picture.  But, did I really want to send a picture that highlighted a bunch of plastic figurines?

I began to give up on the idea of finding an appropriate picture of the girls together.  Maybe I would do something different this year and make a card featuring photos of them alone.  The girls really are such individuals.  Take a look at these shopping photos:

Yes, I'm a diva!

Hey, look what I found!

And, what about these photos from Orlando?  They definitely show personality.


The Princess!

 

The Minion!

 



 

 

Yes, I look fabulous!



I look fabulous too!

We had some cute restaurant photos . . .

 

Seriously, Mom?  You're taking another photo?

 

Can you say Butter Beer?  And, no, I don't need a napkin.

As cute as those photos were I didn't really want solo photos.  I wanted a "sisters" photo.  I spent some more time thinking about want I really wanted the Christmas card to say.  And, while I was snapping photos of the girls goofing around up at the cabin, I found it.  With a fast shutter speed, I captured one brief second of their lives that says it all.  It's not just the perfect photo, it's the message too.  Here is what  our card really needs to say.  "Merry Christmas!  We are happy and healthy. We wish the same for you."

So, may I present. . . . our 2014 Christmas card photo!

Christmas 2014